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get your mind and day going right .

9 Sep

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Charles, 32

7 Aug

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Zima

7 Jul

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The summer of my 22nd year was one of my sluttiest summers.

My boyfriend and I were “on a break” so I was chugging Zimas pretty regularly and sucking face with just about anyone with a pulse.

My parents moved to a city where I didn’t know many people and I was home visiting when my sister got pretty sick and had to be in the hospital for about a week. I volunteered to spend the night with her one evening so my parents could go home and get some rest.

That afternoon, the ONE guy I knew in town called me up and asked if I wanted to go grab a few drinks at a local bar. “Do they sell Zima there?” I asked. Before he could say “I think so…” I was already planning out which ripped jean skirt I should wear with my new Express top. I told my parents I would “def” bring them some food and be back to the hospital early so they could go home.

Fast forward to 11 PM because I am too old now to remember what all bars and things we actually did that night. I stumble into the hospital room where my dad has been waiting and I am Zima trashed. Of course I brought my new guy friend up to the room with me, Dad. Hospitals are super dangerous and I needed an escort.

My sister was barely awake and doped up on pain meds so my dad reluctantly left me there with her and my new guy friend. I guess he supposed I couldn’t get myself into too much trouble in a hospital room.

WRONG.

The second he left I hit the lights and hopped on the one way express to make out town. Once I was sure my sister was back in pain pill sleep land I took that train straight to pound town. Right there on the roll away hospital bed next to my sister. As soon as it was over (which I remember it being pretty quick) I started to brown in and pulled the whole “this bed is really small and you need to not be in it anymore” card before I promptly assumed the starfish passed out position.

I guess the moral of this story is that you can be a slutty, terrible person at any age really. Especially if you have enough Zima.

“Engadged.”

19 Jun

End things with a dude after he calls and texts at 1 AM after weeks of dodging his calls and texts and he’s suddenly engaged. Oh sorry, I mean “engadged.”

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Meet ******

7 May

**Name removed to protect the crazy.**

I met ****** on OkCupid. I never met him in real life (Thank God). I initially refused his request for my #, because he seemed a little off. But, I caved, and tried to be nice. This was the result. I have since blocked 2 of his phone #s, and 3 of his profiles on OkCupid. He continues to delete and create a new one. Obviously, he’s a total catch.

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Man Seeking Penguin

25 Mar

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“I live an active life.”

7 Mar

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